Beautiful by MercyMe is playing on my ipod. I click through Covenant House's
Solidarity Sleep Out photos on Facebook. I've seen a lot of the pictures
before, and read some of the stories (I go to the site a lot.) But one was new,
he had dark hair and dark eyes, like the Dan who I've been writing about, who I thought
I had invented, so to speak. I read his story. His mother had died, he had no
place to go, he had a knife and was going to slit his wrists as a way out. The story
I had written in real life, only worse. I click "read more" and the world drops out - the kid's name is Daniel. I minimize the window, and look away, the world swirls before my eyes, at
my desk I bite my lip to keep from crying out, my fists are clenched, I can't see,
three computer screens blur in front of me. I want to walk away from everything
and go help these kids. How is this a coincidence? I gasp for air, attempt to
process the moment. I cover my eyes with my hands, I try to pray but its not private
enough here. Recording my thoughts until I get the courage to finish reading this
kid's story, to look into his face again. Tension pulls across my shoulder blades, I can feel my blood pounding into my fingertips. Why isn't anyone doing anything about
this? Why aren't I? My eyes fall on my wedding photo. Was it fair of me to try to
find my own happiness, when so many need help? I feel so selfish.
I wipe away a tear I didn't realize was there. After two Beatles songs, I go back and finish the story. ipod skips from Yesterday to Leeland's "Follow You" as I look literally through my fingers into Daniel's tired eyes.
Is this want they call a calling?
